Calling out the Workplace Bullies

We all need to be calling out workplace bullying, we all need to stop being afraid but there is no doubt that people need to be empowered and feel safe enough to speak out and feel we will be listened to. The question is always, why say something if it will go nowhere and if nothing will be done. We are all very much aware that too often, the people who complain or raise their heads above the parapet are seen to be making a fuss. Some people expend more energy telling victims to be quiet and stop making waves than they spend listening or investigating. Many victims of bullying say that it is so emotionally exhausting. 

Bullies rely on the culture and the authority and power of their networks to do what they do and many get away with it until they do it to the wrong person or one day the stories come out as in #Ellengate or Roger Ailes. Following the #MeToo movement, many businesses have their hearts broken by these tales and their eyes opened and are anxious that such heinous conduct does not occur in their business so there is hope.

But that hope wholly depends on awareness, willingness and the tools to deal with or ensure environments that preclude such toxicity from strong self aware leaders and many leaders I meet are anxious to make the culture and social environmental changes required to do so.

This is a real and serious problem not just for the employees but for the businesses which lose money to inefficiencies, lack of productivity, demoralised staff and people leaving. The cost of bullying in the UK alone exceeds £5bn. Consider the impact of bullying when lives are at risk in a medical setting, and it’s clear to see that calling out workplace bullying is increasingly necessary.

‘People don’t leave organisations, they leave [bad] managers…. ‘{environments and structures, policies and people}

A Harmonious Mix that misses the Magic

Bullying in the workplace is liking putting together the finest quality coffee, for smoke and mystery, vanilla for soaring sweetness and grounding lacy amaretto essences, which should work harmoniously, but the amaretto is over-represented despite quantity ratios being right due to its unexpectedly low quality. We lose the beguiling, nostalgic notes of the vanilla; the cheap, harsh amaretto burns the haunting vanilla notes to the ground and batters the daylights out of the coffee. We’re left with a fractured impression of the boastful amaretto that is soon too cloying and pungent, without none of the balancing desirably delicate and fragrant accompaniments.

Signs You’re Being Bullied at Work

When people are bullied at work, it affects more than just the victims, it also affects those who witness it and are afraid to defend or get involved and find themselves complicit. They too get stressed and are ultimately victims, It’s just unfair. Targets of workplace bullying report some or all of the following, and that sinking feeling you get reading them, whether it’s just the horror of it or the recognition, is the reason why calling out workplace bullying is more important than ever.

1) You are the subject of constant, consistent rude, aggressive and overbearing behaviour that may or may not include sexual aggression or low-level inappropriate comments

2) You’re systematically, deliberately excluded from important comms, meetings and being isolated and attention brought to you unnecessarily just to make a comment about you that is untrue, unfair or prejudicial and makes others wary of befriending you. 

3) Being treated differently and criticised frequently in public as a joke, in mocking tones and accused of not being able to take a joke or hypersensitivity when you complain.

4) Verbal abuse and aggression, loud or otherwise

5) Expectations appear to be different for you than for others, even your peers – you are expected to do more, you may not be told the full dimensions of the task or given the full information and you are berated about them viciously.

6) Micromanagement in all your tasks by your direct boss or peers delegated by him, which puts them in a difficult position too and they may take that out on you.

The list goes on and all of it makes you stressed and insecure about your job, as your quality of work or personality may have been called into questions and some colleagues can no longer meet your gaze.

Sadly bullying is common in many organisations and you may be thoroughly shocked and disheartened to learn that in a recent survey of 1000 professionals, only 4% had never felt bullied at work and that the bullying was from bosses as well as peers.

Dealing with bullying at work: For the person suffering

Don’t ignore it

It won’t get better. It will not go away. You must take action and support yourself. Remember that any frameworks in place to protect you are not triggered until you do something. This has a net positive effect if others are also suffering because of the bully because it can give them to courage to also come forward.

You are not the problem.

If you are being victimised to the point that it is affecting your life and mental health, anyone who suggests that you are the problem probably asks rape victims what they were wearing and drinking.

Differentiate between a one time mistake and a pattern of behaviour

We can all have bad days, act out or behave inappropriately but if you find that you and others are a consistent target of people letting off steam or behaving inappropriately, acknowledge this and make a plan. If not, it can be just as damaging to accuse somebody of bullying who is not actually a bully, as it is to be bullied.  A moment of madness should not forever consign a person to be labelled a ‘bully’ because that’s also injustice and calling out workplace bullying is about justice and balance not being vindictive. 

Make a plan of action

First, this is to document the incidents and if possible the things that happened just before and what you said in response. Then plan the steps after that. Consider how you respond in the next interactions, especially if you envisage one fairly soon, and then also how to deal with the bully overall to resolve the problem.

Make a Record of Workplace Bullying Incidents

Document all interactions and emails were unacceptable plus how they made you feel, right from the first incident that caused unease or discomfort. Also document others who were present and their response or lack of response and why you felt that was. As much as possible, keep a  record of email communications, and avoid interactions where you are alone with the bully.

Respond Directively – Don’t Just Sit There

One thing that causes us stress is when people say things and we do not respond and spent the following hours thinking up retorts or berating ourselves for not answering. It can be smart to bite one’s tongue to keep issues from escalating but with a bully, this can sometimes be perceived as a weakness.

Fran Hauser, author of “The Myth of the Nice Girl,” sets out to describe scenarios you may find yourself in with a bully and how you might direct the conversation to suit you, and catch the bully on the back foot with reasonable requests, e.g “Let’s try to get this conversation to a place where it can be productive.’’ These keep the conversations focused and stop them becoming personal attacks, e,g “Please don’t talk to me that way.” and in the worst-case scenario, help to remove you from the situation, e.g. “Let’s take a break and come back to this later”, while keeping you in control. 

Confront the bully

Ask for a meeting and tell the bully the incidents of their interactions with you that have caused you concern. Tell him the dates, times and everything you have kept a record of and how these things have made you feel. Let him know you mean business. Do not call him a bully. Say that you have felt bullied, victimised, unsettled, whatever you feel comfortable with and say you would like to discuss how you could have more positive interactions. Calling out bullies should start with giving people a chance to become aware of, and address a situation.

My experience of bullies is that they never expect to be confronted. You can help to start to get them in the habit. Explain that in future interactions you will expect to be treated respectfully and that the bully can expect that if that is not the case, you will respond and that you will take it further. Tailor the conversation to whether the bully is a peer or your immediate line manager if you wish but you are not required to be reverent to a boss, just cognizant of their authority, so timidity at this juncture is not helpful. You can show some deference if it’s your boss but if it’s a peer, definitely be direct. 

One of two things will happen, they will row back,  or double down. Neither is pleasant if the row bak involves saying you misunderstood or are oversensitive but bullies will blame other people for their behaviour or the impact of it. Expect it, listen and go back to the outline of your documented incidents and say you will not take responsibility for his actions when they could reasonably have been expected to upset anybody. They may double down so be ready for that. It if it goes left, simply stand immediately and ask for someone else to join the meeting as you do not feel it is a safe space and you need a witness. Bullies cannot abide people standing up to them, they either subside or become feral so be psychologically ready for either. Some absolutely have to ‘win’ and if you deprive such a personality of that win, they might try other ways. This is why it is so important to stand up and tell them that what they are doing is, in fact, unacceptable to you, and also ensure that others are aware.

After this meeting, however it ends, depending on the strength of their cowardice or their support, the incidents may stop altogether after a brief period of being given cold shoulder or sullenness or forced, brazen brightness and particular politeness, all of which you should document meticulously. If things return to a reasonable and acceptable footing, be gracious and proceed with caution. If they continue to deteriorate, it’s time for the next part. The important thing is that you to feel in control, empowered and that you are dealing with the problem. You do not sit back and lose your job along with your peace of mind. If it’s going like this, you are likely to lose the job anyway, either through constructive dismissal, going off sick through stress, getting crappy appraisals and not getting promoted. Don’t let these things just happen without fighting back with a clear strategy.

Call out Workplace Bullies to People with the Power – Tell Senior People

Very often, it’s an oversight rather than malicious intent that certain things happen and people get away with it. Leaders may have certain unconscious habits that make people think they can get away with certain things but they can often be shocked when they hear of these kinds of things. Senior people worth their salt will be extremely unhappy to hear that people are feeling bullied and will certainly take action to investigate and settle things equitably. In fact, it is only fair to ensure that leaders are made explicitly aware of these situations rather than assume collusion even if they may have unconsciously enabled bullying behaviour, through things like favouritism or inconsistent communication.

Explain what you have done so far and why. You correctly tried to deal with the situation the first instance before approaching them but you now feel left with no option. Great leaders will jump in with great sensitivity and pragmatism towards both parties and nail this sucker shut. You may even get an apology. Many leaders without EQ and with absolutely no malice could still bungle it but at least make them aware. You may end up with the middle ground. No malice and some EQ which will pull the bully or bullies up enough to change the behaviour but no apology, however, I would count that a win.

If the bully has his effrontery because of the boss’s ineptitude and enablement, you are not in a good place. You may guess this in advance, but you should still approach them and document it. Some of the worst bullies do what they do because of unquestioning support from the bosses because they deliver results, but even those bosses may have a care for the law and request or demand that the bully acts right. They do not want to be left dealing with a lot of unnecessary hassle after all.

Go to HR

If you absolutely don’t feel able to approach the bully, you should approach HR, and even if you do speak with your manager, you might also consider informing HR informally in the first instance. If after speaking with your manager and the bully things do not improve, do not be afraid to make a formal complaint. There are two good reasons why. HR can conduct an investigation and put the bully on notice about his conduct and offer him help to improve it. Even if things do not go your way, the complaint will be on record in case other people are bullied and if people do have the courage to go to HR, it could be of help to them.

Consider your exit strategy

Face up to what the worst-case scenario is because this is what many bullies try to hold over you. Sadly many people end up leaving their jobs but toxic environments are not good for your health and it is really their loss if the leadership are not interested or aware enough and organisational frameworks are not robust enough to protect you. Look for opportunities outside the business area if it’s possible or outside the organisation.

Dealing with the bullies – for Leaders with vision and EQ

Calling out workplace bullying is hard and nerve-wracking for victims, having done all, an employee feeling victimised is likely to leave. Leaders need to make it your business to be aware of people being made miserable on your watch and help them or the bully get the help and resolution they need and help either transition to a new role in another part of the business if that is their preference. Leaders need to be allies of and equip people in calling our workplace bullying as well as dealing with the fallout.

Paula Pelletier marvels that although the majority of business leaders agree that workplace bullying is a serious problem, many businesses are still pretty ineffective at managing for some of the following reasons:

– Driven by short term results, some businesses pay little attention to how they are achieved especially if the business is under pressure.  They may pay lip service to how important employees are but in reality, results are king which plays into the hands of bullies who have a knack for getting results and are happier than most to get them whatever way they can.   

– Misinterpreting competition with the survival of the fittest in implementing a competitive workplace because staff don’t need to be abused and perform and performance and respect and staff engagement can co-exist.

– A belief that bullying is a leadership style and Pelletier points out three striking things –  a) that bullying is the actual opposite of real leadership and b)  that leaders and bosses who use this as an excuse condone something unacceptable and simultaneously are afraid to confront the problem and c) in this situation, they very likely are aware of the abusers but often do not have the skills or motivation to deal with the situations. 

Having an understanding of the above then, leaders must put in place a framework for tackling these issues that put the ability to speak up and call out workplace bullying, at its centre.

Recognise the face of bullying

To call out the bullies, we need to know what it looks like, the modes of behaviour, how they might justify it in seemingly reasonable ways. Leaders need to understand what bullying looks like and help others understand, then assess the likelihood of bullying and signs to look for, from bullies and possible profiles of victims.

Minimise the risks of bullying

Once you are done assessing the likelihood of bullying and whether it may be going on, you must set about minimising the risks of it happening and work with your HR function to do this. Risks of bullying go up if people do not feel able to speak out, too, therefore structures and policies making it clear and easy to call out workplace bullying are critical.

A Respectful Work Environment

Build a rules-based respectful work environment that can help build a safe and secure organisational culture within which high performing teams can be built and equipped to innovate and help your business grow, competing in a healthy atmosphere to achieve results without marginalising or creating or condoning abuse. All the rules here, regarding negating a blame culture can also be used to great effect in building effective teams that actively work against the fostering and support of bullies. Anybody within a team should feel comfortable and justified in calling out workplace bullying even if they are not direct victims.

Good Managers

Develop good managers who are people persons and display a genuine interest in people and their wellbeing and who do not have propensities to blame or bully. Intentionally looking for the presence of these traits when recruiting is one good way to reduce the risk of leadership personnel who are bullies.

Education

Educating the workforce at large about bullying and organisational values regarding bullying helps everybody and makes people understand this is something executives take seriously. Leaders must lead by example or people will disregard what is said in training and seminars. Bullies will believe they have been tipped a wink and victims of bullies and those who witness it will be far more unlikely to consider workplace bullying. 

Policies and Processes

Building frameworks that equip people to call out workplace bullying is just as crucial as antibullying processes and transparent systems that workers can report unreasonable and repeated behaviour that can cause physical or psychological harm.

Clear roles and responsibilities

Clear roles and responsibilities should exist to prevent tension and conflict but clear responsibilities should also exist for reporting and dealing with anti-social and bullying behaviour.

It would be remiss, as much as I believe and relish business transformations and the people aspects of it, not to address the issue of workplace bullying, which is a real and serious problem not just for the employees but for the businesses which lose money to inefficiencies, lack of productivity, demoralised staff and people leaving. The cost of bullying in the UK alone exceeds £5bn. Consider the impact of bullying when lives are at risk in a medical setting, from these inefficiencies. This is why I have such a great interest in culture transformations but only those done in good faith and openness and acceptance of what is toxic in the environment by the leaders. I honestly think we all should and as time goes on, I think more and more people will as more stories about bullying and its impacts emerge.

It is not easy, it may not be comfortable but it is so critical to normalise calling out workplace bullying. They aren’t good for anybody and they aren’t good for the business or the future.